This is unusual for me, to blog about something so personal, but I had to get something off my chest. Some of you know that I have a remarkable daughter who is entering her last year of undergraduate studies. This summer her father – (my ex-husband) decided that he wasn’t going to support her anymore financially. After thought I decided to take him back to court to enforce our divorce agreement. This is heart breaking to my daughter as you can imagine. I’m posting this for a few reasons. One is to bring awareness to issues that affect African American Communities. l feel families in our community tend to avoid mental health and other important issues that impact our inability to form productive and healthy relationships. My ex’s inability to form a healthy relationship with his daughter is evidence, symptomatic of an illness plagued by many.
I found an article on Ongoing research from The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study which demonstrates conclusively that childhood trauma can impact our physical, emotional, and relational health. I’m not writing this post to bash my ex. However, from what I discovered about him during our relationship is that he suffered massive childhood trauma. From having his family hide who his biological father was-- to other abusive behavior from sexual permissiveness to the lack of maternal connections with his mother.
Don’t get this twisted I’m not perfect and I know most of us have suffered from some type of trauma in our life’s. But how many fathers out there who can support their children do? The ACE study asked ten questions to assess childhood trauma. What surprised me was how many of us suffer from trauma. Two-thirds of the study participants answered “yes” to at least one of the questions and if we answered “yes” to one there was a good chance that we answered “yes” to others. See how many you have experienced:
Prior to your 18th birthday:
[ ] Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often... Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?
[ ] Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often... Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?
[ ] Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever... Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you?
[ ] Did you often or very often feel that ... No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?
[ ] Did you often or very often feel that ... You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? or Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it?
[ ] Was a biological parent ever lost to you through divorce, abandonment, or other reason ?
[ ] Was your mother or stepmother: Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? or Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?
[ ] Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs?
[ ] Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide?
[ ] Did a household member go to prison?
These experiences actually change the way our brains function and cause us to develop beliefs about ourselves that make us hunger for a relationship where we can heal, but also are triggered by stresses that arise in our relationships. Here are seven common self-limiting beliefs. Check off the ones you feel may be operating in your life today. They probably don’t have these thoughts all the time, but they often play out in our subconscious, and act like a program running in the background, undermining our peace and well-being and coming out more strongly when we feel stressed.
[ ] I am not safe.
[ ] I am worthless.
[ ] I am powerless.
[ ] I am not lovable.
[ ] I cannot trust anyone.
[ ] I am bad.
[ ] I am alone.
Which of these beliefs have you noticed in your own life? Which ones do you feel may be operating in the life of your partner? The bad news is that unhealed trauma can change our brains. Trauma can cause us to be constantly “on alert.” Our brain never shuts down and relaxes. Even when we’re with a loving partner, our brains are constantly scanning for danger. We often misinterpret things our partner says or does as an attack. We become locked in a negative loop, where we see our partner as a source of danger, rather than support.
The result is that we experience physical, emotional, and relationship problems that cause our marriages to fail. Even good marriages bend under the weight of the misunderstandings and lost hopes and dreams. What’s worse is that we come to blame our partner or ourselves and we fail to recognize the real cause of our problems in our early experiences with our first love objects, our parents. Article contribution from (Jed Diamond, Ph.D.)
Remember,” Children shouldn’t have to sacrifice so that you can have the life you want. You make sacrifices, so your children can have the life they deserve.”
If you know of an attorney who practices in Illinois District 6 and would be willing to take my daughters support case pro-bono email us at email@example.com
Would like to hear your thoughts.
Transformational leadership is it just a buzz word? What is it? Here is the scholarly definition I found: Transformational leadership is a style of leadership where a leader works with subordinates to identify needed change, creating a vision to guide the change through inspiration, and executing the change in tandem with committed members of a group.
Ok, now that we know the definition how does leadership achieve transformation in their organization? What are the skills that leadership need to achieve this? I believe that leaders can’t achieve transformations in their company’s:
1. If they don’t understand how to motivate their teams
2. Don’t have the respect of their team members
3. Are bad communicators
4. Are not trusted by their teams
5. Are not committed to the goals of the company
6. Lack the understanding of their company’s culture
Of course I could go on and on to how leaders might have difficulty achieving transformation in their company’s. Are the leaders in your organization prepared to effectively lead people through change? Are they just doing things the same way they have done it for years? Can organizations continue to take the risk with leaders who are resistant to change? With the focus on outcomes and accountability? Executive Coaching may be the answer for some leaders and perhaps changing career maybe the answer for the other half. What are your thoughts?
I pondered over this question and decided to jot a few thoughts. I have been surprised to learn:
7. How much I love God’s people and realize that if you are not my friend you are missing out. And I don’t take this personal.
8. My faith in God is the foundation of who I am.
You know I heard someone say that you learn almost everything you need to know in kindergarten, well I didn’t go to kindergarten. I learn something new everyday. What are you surprised to learn about yourself? I would like to hear from you.
New career in 2018? Expert’s advice that you seek a mentor or business coach to help you plan for a new career. Coaches can assist you with strategies and give you advice on how to navigate through new employment environments. Years ago we were told to make long range plans, now I would recommend that you ditch the long plans and figure out what you really are trying to accomplish. Try to align your career with who you are. What makes you happy? Stop and think of what you would want your perfect day to look like. Concentrate on the things that are working, the positives. This year prioritize your well-being. For me I plan to make time to exercise. We will never be able to accomplish everything we sort out to do in one day. There will always be one more thing that you could do. Remember the employment landscape is very different than it was five years ago. By all means if you were in a layoff, remember this doesn’t define you. God has a larger plan. If you need help in maneuvering through your career shoot me an email or respond to this blog. I'll be happy to run a few strategies with you.
Dwelling on Fashion is my way of de-stressing. Many of us find comfort in food and maybe booz. Well I take myself away into a place of creativity with fashion, when I want to find a happy place. Outside of Prayer, shopping does great things for me. In October 2017, I opened LSUBoutique.com. I recently changed the name to LSYboutique.com because of web online competition with the initials LSU, Louisiana State University.
I can remember growing up women would say,” don’t wear stripes with other prints, today people wear all types of geometric prints with other prints. The culture has shifted. Me myself, I would wear black every day if I could.
Let’s look at the top 15 Fashion trends for 2018 according to an article written by Caroline Grosso of W Magazine. She said,” Art-Inspired Art popped up everywhere on the runways for spring 2018. Starting in New York, Raf Simons commissioned Sterling Ruby to create a colorful set and placed Andy Warhol prints on plastic panels on dresses. In Milan, both Prada's set and collection were printed with cartoon works from female artists from the '30s and '60s. In Paris, Rei Kawakubo sent out looks that featured the prints of Giuseppe Arcimboldo, an Italian painter whose work included surreal interpretations of fruits and vegetables. Personally I can’t imagine myself wearing a vegetable. I’m moving out of my comfort level trying new color pallets.
Grosso, wrote Chic Bling was a trend. She said, “Certain fashion houses are never afraid of some embellishment and shine, and yet this season, it seemed like everyone wanted to escape into the sparkling lights of the party. A little sparkle after last presidential election can’t hurt. Even Céline showed an all-white sequin floor-length dress—that's saying something.” I just added a sassy silver bling dress in my boutique. There is one thing that I know looking at Shinning Bling gets me excited.
Slip Dress Redux is what Grosso called, the slip dress. It’s not new, and yet this season it has translated from a minimal easy-dressing piece to more of a statement. It is embellished, it has a bit of shine to it, and it's certainly ready to come out of the bedroom and onto the streets. I guess I have to get pass associating the slip dress with sleep attire, thinking out of the box. God knows you need on a good bra with this look.
Grosso talked about the Sheer look. She said, “Now is the time to layer on diaphanous fabrics. Many designers presented looks featuring sheer tulle pieces layered over other ready-to-wear pieces, or simply on sheer pieces on top of other sheer pieces, to a dazzling effect. Plastic looks are in. This is one look that I think I will leave it to my rain gear. The Sorbet Shades will be hot in spring of 2018. Pastel, shades of lavender, lint, and pink were especially popular on the runway for spring 2018. Other 2018 trends, Perfect Parkas, Updated Trench coat, Punk inspired clothing, Feathers, Fringe, 60’s Floral's, Shorts and Logo’s. My Big mommy used to say, “keep it, it will come back in style”. Clothing is nothing until someone lives within. Fashion is something that comes from within. Use Discount Code BACK15 at checkout at LSYBoutique.com.
Someday, everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason. I read in one of Matt Taibbi’s books that someone said, “Ignorance is the root of all evil.” This is making perfect sense to me now. Tailbbi wrote we pick our protest, the closest to our own ideology. We don’t choose political candidates based on ideology and truth.
We’ve chosen an orange hair millionaire based on hate of another candidate. Not based on real qualifications. Operating much like some corporate Human Resource Departments, often times hiring individuals brainless, with little or no experience, and the one taking less monetary compensation.
How do we rewrite this White House reality show? Which has given every comedian scripts for years. How do we change the channel? Senator John McCain, we honor your bravery in congress and in the military. Hat’s off to every legislator that speaks up and does what is RIGHT. You see there is no gray area in the world of sexual deviance, sexual harassment, and a sexual predator needs psychological assistance, change the name it remains the same, it’s immoral and wrong. Turn it upside down, right side up, horizontal, and vertical it will not change. Sexual predators need not be in leadership positions in our country. Like someone said, “ignorance is the root of all evil.” DT released the great American stupid in this county. What’s your opinion? By the way if you haven’t read Insane Clown President by Matt Taibbi, you are missing out.
Once again I’m wounded by the senseless violence in our county, with each gun massacre my soul becomes bruised. My heart wounded and has yet to recover from the visual image of a man shooting out of the Mandalay Bay Hotel in Las Vegas into a festival venue, place where my family walked through, place where my husband and I danced cheek to cheek and my daughter celebrated her 30th birthday a few months ago.
How do we conceptualize an America where you fear going to outside events like the Taste of Chicago, L.A Film Festival, Street Fairs in New York and the list goes on. Las Vegas isn’t the only place that is LOST, our county is LOST and broken. Who needs assault –weapons, automatic weapons, AR-15’ or accessories used to construct high powered weapons. Visualize a young women shot in the eye and bullet fractures still in her head, yes results of Las Vegas bloodbath. Here’s the gun man’s reason-DEMONIC and MENTALLY DISTURB. What needs to happen next?
"No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background or his religion. People learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite." Nelson Mandela