"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now in history is the time to understand more, so that we fear less" - Terry Price
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Growing older teaches, you many lessons. Lessons I believe that are transferred to your leadership cycle, and your optic lens. Surely, we have all learned many lessons during this Covid-19 pandemic and watching this current President’s leadership scenarios. Our religious and spiritual backgrounds dictate skills of survival and metamorphosis into our leadership skills.
I grew up in a Christian home, worshiping and studying most Sundays with a Church of God congregation, Morgan Park Church of God affiliated with Anderson Indiana. A Church deeply rooted in living out your faith as Illustrated in the Bible. Here is their mission taken right from their website. The Church of God (Anderson, Indiana) is a global movement of people seeking to fulfill God’s mission in the world. We’re committed to studying the Word of God and faithfully living it out. We’re committed to the mission that Jesus Christ gave every believer: to make disciples of all nations (Matt 28:18–20). The Church of God movement appeared in the 1880s in the midst of the broader American Holiness Revival. The pioneers of the Church of God hoped to restore a more biblical understanding and practice of what it means to be the church. One of our early church songs says: “The Bible is our rule of faith and Christ alone is Lord.” This lyric still summarizes the core belief of Church of God people. We have not issued any official belief statement, and we have no formal creed. Yet, the following statements reflect the heart of the Church of God:
As we take on leadership roles dogma Illuminates. Many are fueled with the complexities and ambiguities of pride, intertwined within their leadership styles destroying effectiveness. When the Bible talks about pride it has a negative connotation. It means to have an excessively high opinion of one's own worth or importance; it suggests arrogant or overbearing conduct. It is the independent spirit that says, 'I have no need of God. Pride has been called the sin from which all others arise. Author Michael Eric Dyson discusses his book on the subject and the complexities and ambiguities of this deadly sin. Pride or feeling Proud is often driven by poor self-worth and shame. We feel so badly about ourselves that we compensate by feeling superior. We look for others' flaws to conceal our own. Arrogant people tend to score high on narcissism. Excessive pride diminishes self-awareness. Like an arrogant leader who is always exaggerating his achievements to denigrate his rivals. Excessive pride is an exaggerated appreciation of oneself by devaluating others — we turn other people into our competitors. Proverbs 21:4 – A haughty look, a proud heart, and the plowing of the wicked are sin. OUR EXTRAODINARY LEADERSHIP EXAMPLE Stop, look at the humility of Jesus, the best leadership example we have. I do not have to think twice about it. Jesus is our ultimate example of humility. Out of obedience to His Father, He humbled Himself all the way to the point of death on the cross. The Bible says because of this that God exalted Him just like how it says He will exalt us (1 Peter 5:6-7). “And being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” – Philippians 2:8-11 If Jesus practiced humility Himself, then why would we think we don’t need to? Why would we consider this a weakness? Even He was dependent on His Father and this was a good thing, in fact, the best thing. It was a God glorifying thing in every way. We couldn’t even have a relationship with God if it wasn’t for what Jesus did for us in the first place (John 14:6). We had to humble ourselves to trust that Jesus is King and to ask Him to be our Lord and Savior. This is no different today whether you’ve been a believer for a week or 50 years. We still need Him in everything we do. We still need the Holy Spirit to guide us and give us wisdom in all matters. We still need help to practice things that are honorable, pure, lovely, commendable, or anything praiseworthy. We are still not capable of doing anything on our own and will never be. As soon as we begin to live in a way where we are no longer dependent on God to do everything for us, we are forgetting our first love and proclaiming what Christ did for us was not enough. As you are reading this, take a deep breath and let it out. It’s going to be ok. As a follower of Christ, no matter what circumstance you find yourself in, I promise that you can give it to Him. This is because God’s Word is true. What Jesus did was enough. And you have the Holy Spirit and can trust Him to lead and guide you. Humble yourself and pray to God truly casting your anxieties to Him and trust that He does indeed care for you. Managers, Politicians, Pastors, and other Leaders remember humility takes precedence over pride or being proud. Good is not Good enough – Be Great.
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 Over the past several years, the landscape for women in leadership looks more fluid. Women are finding their voice, despite the challenges confronted. The new generation of women are less exceptive to gruel and devious treatment taken by past generations of women. Many women in leadership have undergone many setbacks in their climb to the top, from being ignored in the board room to sexual harassment in the breakroom. According to McKinsey’s research report in partnership with Leaning.Org on women in the workplace, they looked back on data and insights since 2015 from close to 600 companies that participated in their study, more than a quarter of a million people that were surveyed on their workplace experiences, and more than 100 in-depth one-on-one interviews that were conducted. They found in the last five years; more women have risen to the top levels of companies. An increasing number of companies are seeing the value of having more women in leadership, and they’re proving that they can make progress on gender diversity. Their research proves that companies are moving in the right direction. Understand that women continue to be underrepresented at every level. Gender parity is still out of reach. Women are still not hired and promoted at the same rate as their male counterpart’s. The McKinsey’s report outlines five steps that companies can take to improve gender parity. 1. Set a goal for getting more women into first level management About a third of companies set targets for the representation of women at first-level management, compared to 41 percent for senior levels of management. Companies should use targets more aggressively. Given how important it is to fix the broken step, companies would be well served by setting and publicizing a bold goal to grow the number of women at the manager level. Moreover, companies should put targets in place for hiring and promotions, the processes that most directly shape employee representation. 2. Require diverse slates for hiring and promotions Companies are more likely to require diverse candidate slates for promotions at senior levels than at the manager level. But outside research shows that diverse slates can be a powerful driver of change at every level. When two or more women are included on a slate, the likelihood that a woman will get the position rises dramatically. The biggest obstacle women face is the first step up to management. 3. Put evaluators through unconscious bias training Unconscious bias can play a large role in determining who is hired, promoted, or left behind. Companies are less likely to provide unconscious bias training for employees who participate in entry-level performance reviews than senior level reviews but mitigating bias at this stage is particularly important. Candidates tend to have shorter track records early in their careers, and evaluators may make unfair, gendered assumptions about their future potential. There is also compelling evidence that this training works: In companies with smaller gender disparities in representation, half of employees received unconscious bias training in the past year, compared to only a quarter of employees in companies that aren’t making progress closing these gaps. 4. Establish clear evaluation criteria Companies need to make sure they have the right processes in place to prevent bias from creeping into hiring and reviews. This means establishing clear evaluation criteria before the review process begins. Evaluation tools should also be easy to use and designed to gather objective, measurable input. For example, a rating scale is generally more effective than an open-ended assessment. Even with the right systems in place, processes can break down in practice. Employees are less likely than HR leaders to say that evaluation criteria are defined before candidate reviews begin, and they report that participating employees do not typically flag bias when they see it. This points to the need for companies to put additional safeguards in place to encourage fair, unbiased evaluations. Without exception, candidates for the same role should be evaluated using the same criteria. Employees should feel empowered to surface bias in the moment and have the training and resources to act when they observe it. In addition, outside research shows that it can help to have a third party in the room when evaluators discuss candidates to highlight potential bias and encourage objectivity. 5. Put more women in line for the step up to manager It is critical that women get the experience they need to be ready for management roles, as well as opportunities to raise their profile so they get tapped for them. The building blocks to make this happen are not new—leadership training, sponsorship, high-profile assignments—but many companies need to provide them with a renewed sense of urgency. The report additionally outlines that together, opportunity and fairness are the biggest predictors of employee satisfaction. Employees universally value opportunity and fairness. Across demographic groups, when employees feel they have equal opportunity for advancement and think the system is fair, they are happier with their career, plan to stay at their company longer, and are more likely to recommend it as a great place to work. Research in this report looked at several factors that prior outside research has shown influence employee satisfaction and retention—including leadership accountability and manager support—and together opportunity and fairness stand out as the strongest predictors by far. To view McKinsey’s Research report in its entirety, visit their website. (Mckinsey.com) Movements such as the Me-Too Movement are viable vehicles for keeping challenges women confront alive. The Me-Too movement is a movement against sexual harassment and sexual assault. The phrase "Me Too" was initially used in this context on social media in 2006, on Myspace, by sexual harassment survivor and activist Tarana Burke. “Women belong in all places where decisions are being made. … It shouldn't be that women are the exception.” Ruth Bader Ginsberg "When a man gives his opinion, he's a man; when a woman gives her opinion, she's a bitch." Bette Davis "There's something so special about a woman who dominates in a man's world. It takes a certain grace, strength, intelligence, fearlessness, and the nerve to never take no for an answer.” Rihanna "There is no limit to what we, as women, can accomplish." Michelle Obama (Photo credit Above: Ingrid Frahm, Getty Images)  Do Managers Matter? Yes, they do. Forbes wrote an article in 2014 highlighting the importance of having good managers. The article highlighted what I know and that is “Many organizations minimize the link between their managers’ human skills and overall employee performance. But over and over, the research confirms that old gut sense: A manager is generally the most important factor in bringing out a worker’s best performance.” If you wander why you come home everyday with a bad headache after interacting with your boss, the answer could be that your boss’ is negatively affecting your mental health. Research has shown that Managers shape the emotional life of the organization. Whatever is happening in the Managers emotional life can spread virally. As a matter of fact, a bad boss can shorten your life. “Bad bosses can increase your risk of stroke by 33%,” says John Gaspari, a licensed clinical worker in Southern California and an expert on employee morale and workplace issues. “Emotions spread from person to person because of two features of human interaction,” Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler write in Connected: The Surprising Power of our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives. We are biologically hardwired to mimic others outwardly, and in mimicking their outward displays, we come to adopt their inner states.” More than 15 years ago, Daniel Goleman unveiled his influential theory that social skills— “emotional intelligence” determines a leader’s success more than conventional measures such as intelligence or expertise. “Research [since then] has confirmed that there is a large performance gap between socially intelligent and unintelligent leaders,” Goleman and Richard Boyatzkis wrote a few years ago in the Harvard Business Review. Just how important is your mental and physical health? The choice is yours. If you have tips on how to manage a moody boss, please leave them. I’m sure there are individuals who need them. HELP SHE’S DRIVING ME CRAZY……  What do you feel is important to your company? The most talked about subject now is digital transformations. Many companies are struggling to keep up with the innovation of digital transformation. Success in this area requires agility and innovation. Not placing blame on anyone segment in the organization, organizational leadership may struggle the most with giving way to digital transformation. Companies must be able to react swiftly to the changes that occur in the market, simultaneously driving innovation throughout the organization. Surely a task not for the ego driven. Taken from a study in Forbes, there were 5 key behaviors that are crucial to organizational agility.
It’s never an easy job when trying something new. In today’s market you must be able to shift quickly. Don’t be discourage if your try’s at digital transformation do not meet all your objectives. Keep shifting and calibrating until you come closer to your goals. For more information on digital transformation give shoot us an email at, winners@lifesurprisesyou.com  One of the best feelings for me is when I host girl chats. Women speaking their truths about work and life, brings transformation to the spirit. Recently, I hosted a chat and to my surprise, a common topic thread surfaced. How to survive and work within cultures were mean girls exist? After a lengthy conversation it was apparent that women are still operating in a culture that perpetuates feeling insecure. Playing Grade school games, not realistic and skilled to understand that competition is healthy until it is not. Why was it that women couldn’t support one another and understand that the need to stick together is important? The “Me to Movement” should teach us something. Apparently, some women are still operating on skills they learnt in grade school. Creating a community of support for women is vital to the career paths of young women entering the workforce. AS women we continue to battle what is known as stereo typical behavior, mood swings, cat fights etc. So, lets start calling the mean girls out, like the “Me to Movement”. So, what if I wear Poke A Dots with Plaid. Check out this Forbes article, A Missing Factor in Women’s Leadership: Leave the Mean Girl Behind. Follow this link: https://www.forbes.com/sites/cateluzio/2019/07/24/a-missing-factor-in-womens-leader-leave-the-mean-girl-behind/#7307173ed279 Another topic surfaced. “Playing with the Big Boys” I used references from a book, Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office: 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers, by Lois P. Frankel. She teaches you how to eliminate these unconscious mistakes that could be holding you back and offers invaluable coaching tips that can easily be incorporated into your social and business skills. Stop making "nice girl" errors that can become career pitfalls, such as: Mistake #13: Avoiding office politics. If you don't play the game, you can't possibly win.
Click the Book Now Button if you are accessing us through Facebook. or Send us an Email to winners@lifesurprisesyou.com Follow us on Instagram & Twitter We would like to hear from you. Share Your Story. ‘THE SUCCESS OF EVERY WOMAN SHOULD BE THE INSPIRATION TO ANOTHER. WE SHOULD RAISE EACH OTHER UP. MAKE SURE YOU’RE VERY COURAGEOUS: BE STRONG, BE EXTREMELY KIND, AND ABOVE ALL, BE HUMBLE’ – SERENA WILLIAMS One of my favorite morning shows “The View” co-host Whoopi Goldberg is so real and authentic to me. “We’re here for a reason. I believe a bit of the reason is to throw little torches out to lead people through the dark.”-Whoopi.
I’m tossing this to you. I’ve heard people offering their opinions of the Millennial generation. Let’s try to give some contextual concepts to generation structure. There is frequently some confusion, however the Pew Research Center is looking to give more structure to generational nicknames with a new set of guidelines that establishes where each person belongs depending on their birth year. This is what they’ve come up with: • The Silent Generation: Born 1928-1945 (73-90 years old) • Baby Boomers: Born 1946-1964 (54-72 years old) • Generation X: Born 1965-1980 (38-53 years old) • Millennial's: Born 1981-1996 (22-37 years old) • Post-Millennial's: Born 1997-Present (0-21 years old) As a parent of Millennial's, I am frequently trying to understand their behavior and my responses to their behavior, placing both into context. In so doing this, I looked to Psychology Today. According to Psychology Today: Entitlement is an enduring personality trait, characterized by the belief that one deserves preferences and resources that others do not. Like boundaries, we recognize entitlement chiefly by its effect on us: envy, anger, and frustration. "Why they think they deserve it any more than I do?" We wonder. And then, "Is it them, or is it just me?" Sometimes we mistake entitlement for a sense of self-confidence projected by competent, assured, often charismatic others. Sometimes we confuse it with narcissism, in which it's often associated, or self-absorption, which occasionally looks like the same thing. And sometimes, according to recent research a bit of a fleeting, situational rush of entitlement can be a good thing; it can increase creativity and lead to novel, unusual solutions to problems, the kind of out-of-the-box thinking that organizations and employers encourage. Whether deserved or not, a sense of entitlement enables people to think and act differently from others, and the more they do so, the more willing and able they are to generate creative ideas. On the negative side, a chronically entitled disposition may diminish the motivation to put in extra effort. When we talk about lazy, entitled millennial's, particularly those who haven’t earned their A’s or promotions through their own hard work, those are the people we mean. Pejoratively labeling an individual or a generation as entitled sometimes reveals more about us than it does about them—our unwillingness to recognize another’s meritorious worth or hard-earned success, which indicates how often we think with our beliefs rather than about them. (A good example is the way Hilary Clinton was viewed as entitled when she ran for political office, but not when she was actually in it.) Whether deserved or not, highly entitled people are less concerned about what is socially acceptable or beneficial, according to researchers at Harvard and Cornell whose studies of 99 undergraduates and 98 MBA candidates yielded another finding: Entitled people don’t follow instructions because they see them as unfair. “They would rather take a loss themselves than agree to something unfair,” said the authors, who correlated high scores on entitlement measurements with difficulty complying with the “rules” of the experimental task. Attempting to understand why students ignored them (selfishness, control, or punishment), they found that fairness was the primary reason. When people feel entitled, they want to be different from others. But just as frequently they come across as indifferent to others. That’s why they often provoke such negative responses in those they encounter, especially those they don’t personally know. That may be the most significant fact about entitlement; that silent signal that our negative feelings have been triggered by it. Recognizing when our own sense of entitlement is driving us helps us understand our need to balk at social convention, rebel against limitations on our autonomy or prohibitions on our preferred behavior. Marching to our own drummer is one thing; knowing when that sound affects others like chalk on a blackboard is another. It's often said of the baby boomers that they felt privileged and lucky rather than entitled, while their kids and grandkids feel entitled, whether they are or not. And frequently parents are blamed for fostering that trait in their kids by giving them everything they want, when they want it, and colluding in the belief that they deserve it. It's an unfair rap to those who want their kids to be successful and do the best they can. It's not up to us to tell them their dreams are unreachable, or their expectations are too high. Instead, we would be wiser to support their efforts to achieve them. What I realize is that I am responsible for this generation workforce. They say all we learnt, we learnt in Kindergarten. Here is a quick list of behaviors of Children who may be developing entitlement issues for those with younger children: 1. Expects bribes or rewards for good behave for. 2. Rarely lifts a finger to help. 3. Is more concerned about himself than others. 4. Passes blame when things go wrong. 5. Can’t handle disappointment. 6. Needs a treat to get through the store. 7. Expects to be rescued from his mistakes. 8. Feels like the rules don’t apply. 9. Constantly wants more…and more. The big picture is that you are raising adults for the workforce, our next business owner, and political leader etc. “There are some things that money can’t buy, like manners, morals, and integrity.” Terry Price  How does our personal journey’s effect our work life? After I began to read Finding My Voice, My Journey to the West Wing and the Path Forward by Valerie Jarrett, I began to ponder on this question. Valerie shared her most intimate journeys from her failed marriage to her most successful career journey. Her life map surely penetrated her career path. I believe we take our life experiences and weave them into our career life’s. As a manager, it can be something as simple as understanding how it must feel for a single mother to juggle daycare and work, because you were a single mom. If you have every had to implement changes in a leadership role you may have been faced with individuals who fight you from every direction and you wondered to yourself what’s wrong with these people? I can remember assisting an agency with rolling out a new computer program and their staff would continue to use paper and pencil and made up every reason why this system would not be successful. What I learnt is that resistance to change is inevitable. And that our responses to this resistance maybe unhelpful. Our responses to resistances maybe that we tell ourselves things like- well there just resistant to change or they're just being stubborn, or we take it personal. I’ve learnt not to address the resistance behavior head on, because the resistance behavior is not the real problem. The real problem is what you don't see on the surface, we see resistant behaviors, which is a reaction to change, but we don't see the underlying condition that prompted that behavior in the first place. I began to think of the behavior as a symptom like when you have the flu- you may cough. The real problem is that you have the flu. Resistance behavior is like the flu, we see the resistance behavior on the surface, but what we don’t see is the underlying cause of the resistance. We may not see that the employee may not be clear about their job responsibilities, or the computer system is a major distraction to their 5 year routine, or that we may not see that they are upset because they were not involved in the decision making on what computer program should be implemented. When people resist change there is something going on beneath the surface, we must uncover the true source of the resistance, we must understand the experience of the change from their point of view. Confronting resistance to change from another angle, uncover the real resistance agitator. “People don’t resist change. They resist being changed!” —Peter Senge “The greatest danger in times of turbulence is not the turbulence—it is to act with yesterday’s logic.” —Peter Drucker What is communication? One could come up with their own meaning, however, here is one that I decided to use:
com·mu·ni·ca·tion [kəˌmyo͞onəˈkāSH(ə)n] NOUN
"satellite communications" · Seems simple right? Well this is my blog, so I get to share what I think, so these are my opinions. Feel free to leave me your opinions, if you want to make this a two-way communication exchange. Don’t shoot me. If communicating is so simple, I pondered, why do over 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce? The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher. (Adapted from the Encyclopedia of Psychology Research on Marriage & Divorce) I know there are many variables and reasons why divorce is elevated. Touchy subject so let’s move on. Ok, let’s look at why many employees who supervise and manage feel that their staff could do a better job in this area or why do staff feel the same about their managers and supervisors? Well ARE they both Right? Certainly, both are more than likely right. We are just not good at listening to one another, and to be good communicators you must master the skill of listening. We form our opinions most of the time before the person dialoging with us has completed their sentences, or we have an answer waiting in assumption to what the communicator will yield. We know all the answers. Not even giving that person time to convey their feelings or idea. Just look at the state and condition of our Great American democracy. Bring it closer maybe your work environment. Approach each communication process as if the person you are dialoging with can teach you something, everyone is an expert at something, someone knows something you don’t. You can’t be a good leader and a bad listener or maintain relationships not being empathetic or poor listener. One of the sincerest forms of respect is listening to what another has to say. “Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk’. --Doug Larson  Listening to the entertainer Bobby Brown’s interview on Larry King sharing his hurt and pain ignited a personal spark of disappointments and pain for me, envisioning his suffering of loss reminded me of my own. It made me want to go on Facebook and express some feelings of my own. I gave that a second thought and no I didn’t do it. Fearing that my phone would ring, and the caller would say, “why did you post that on Facebook? And that was so personal. What happen to people being able to be vulnerable? I guess that went out when years ago, when people decided that human suffering really means nothing. If you are my friend on Facebook, please UN-friend me if I can’t share something personal about my own pain and you think you would find my pain, hurt, and suffering unsympathetic. Social media has given us all chances to express the good, bad and the ugly. More often dispelling the ugly truths. Don’t take this the wrong, but I feel we merely use Facebook to brag, boast and rarely share topics that might spark controversy. We share when people die, expressing how hurt we are, how we will miss them and, on their birthdays, acknowledge them. My hats off to those who share their hearts. Don’t get this twisted, I don’t believe Facebook is a Therapist. More importantly, I feel writhing can be therapeutic and if expressing your real feelings on Facebook set you free, do just that. If I’m your Facebook friend and feel your written expressions are to deep for me at that time, I’ll just continue down the Facebook feed and will return to your feed or page on a day when I feel like reading your thoughts. It’s my opinion that Facebook can be used for ministry, therapy, social contact, political expressions, and other thought sharing opportunities. NO Bullying. Agree to disagree. So, if someone shares something twice, don’t waist your time telling that person what difference does it make? Move On. We can be so critical of each other. Un-Friend me please if you have the need to criticize me on Facebook. I’ll challenge you to game of Twitter instead. I want to hear about your new child, grandson, new house, new job, new music creation, travel adventure, how I can support you in your career, your hurt, your pain, know when its time to pray and whatever life brings your way. Although, you must keep your cloths on-- I’m not into seeing your nudeness. LOL I do believe you can be powerful when you are silent as well. So, know when to be silent as well, I certainly do. Your words can be powerful, they can hurt or uplift, so speak, as every word you say counts. Honesty has a power that very few people can handle. The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. The most valuable thing we can give each other is our attention. Silence can be golden. I must add that Bobby Brown found healing in writing his new book, “Every Little Step, My Story.” Let me know if you read it. I’m thinking about it. I have to say I am curious after meeting him at a family event in California a few times. Get a sneak peek->Click the book image below.    This is unusual for me, to blog about something so personal, but I had to get something off my chest. Some of you know that I have a remarkable daughter who is entering her last year of undergraduate studies. This summer her father – (my ex-husband) decided that he wasn’t going to support her anymore financially. After thought I decided to take him back to court to enforce our divorce agreement. This is heart breaking to my daughter as you can imagine. I’m posting this for a few reasons. One is to bring awareness to issues that affect African American Communities. l feel families in our community tend to avoid mental health and other important issues that impact our inability to form productive and healthy relationships. My ex’s inability to form a healthy relationship with his daughter is evidence, symptomatic of an illness plagued by many.
I found an article on Ongoing research from The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study which demonstrates conclusively that childhood trauma can impact our physical, emotional, and relational health. I’m not writing this post to bash my ex. However, from what I discovered about him during our relationship is that he suffered massive childhood trauma. From having his family hide who his biological father was-- to other abusive behavior from sexual permissiveness to the lack of maternal connections with his mother. Don’t get this twisted I’m not perfect and I know most of us have suffered from some type of trauma in our life’s. But how many fathers out there who can support their children do? The ACE study asked ten questions to assess childhood trauma. What surprised me was how many of us suffer from trauma. Two-thirds of the study participants answered “yes” to at least one of the questions and if we answered “yes” to one there was a good chance that we answered “yes” to others. See how many you have experienced: Prior to your 18th birthday: [ ] Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often... Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt? [ ] Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often... Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured? [ ] Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever... Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you? [ ] Did you often or very often feel that ... No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other? [ ] Did you often or very often feel that ... You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? or Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it? [ ] Was a biological parent ever lost to you through divorce, abandonment, or other reason ? [ ] Was your mother or stepmother: Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? or Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife? [ ] Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs? [ ] Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide? [ ] Did a household member go to prison? These experiences actually change the way our brains function and cause us to develop beliefs about ourselves that make us hunger for a relationship where we can heal, but also are triggered by stresses that arise in our relationships. Here are seven common self-limiting beliefs. Check off the ones you feel may be operating in your life today. They probably don’t have these thoughts all the time, but they often play out in our subconscious, and act like a program running in the background, undermining our peace and well-being and coming out more strongly when we feel stressed. [ ] I am not safe. [ ] I am worthless. [ ] I am powerless. [ ] I am not lovable. [ ] I cannot trust anyone. [ ] I am bad. [ ] I am alone. Which of these beliefs have you noticed in your own life? Which ones do you feel may be operating in the life of your partner? The bad news is that unhealed trauma can change our brains. Trauma can cause us to be constantly “on alert.” Our brain never shuts down and relaxes. Even when we’re with a loving partner, our brains are constantly scanning for danger. We often misinterpret things our partner says or does as an attack. We become locked in a negative loop, where we see our partner as a source of danger, rather than support. The result is that we experience physical, emotional, and relationship problems that cause our marriages to fail. Even good marriages bend under the weight of the misunderstandings and lost hopes and dreams. What’s worse is that we come to blame our partner or ourselves and we fail to recognize the real cause of our problems in our early experiences with our first love objects, our parents. Article contribution from (Jed Diamond, Ph.D.) Remember,” Children shouldn’t have to sacrifice so that you can have the life you want. You make sacrifices, so your children can have the life they deserve.” If you know of an attorney who practices in Illinois District 6 and would be willing to take my daughters support case pro-bono email us at winners@lifesurprisesyou.com Would like to hear your thoughts. |
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